Quiet

I have to admit, I am not up for writing much today. My grandmother is near death and I am just overwhelmed with thoughts of her, on traveling to CA, on what my mom is going through, and tons of other things. My grandma has always been a quiet person. She never spoke much but when she did it was so powerful. She is a very moral person, very kind, very generous, very sweet. She loves Jesus with everything that she is.

Three years ago her Alzheimer got so bad that she needed to be put in a nursing home. That was tough to say the least.  About 18 months ago I visited her for the last time. She didn't recognize me. This was the grandma who lived with me since I was 5! She didn't know who I was. A stranger? A friend? Someone who works at the nursing home? She didn't know. She was nice to me but she was cold in that she didn't have the warmth of a grandma to her granddaughter.


I am sad. I don't want to go. I have never gone to funerals. At least to none who have been close to me. Is that bad? My sweet grandma. For decades I called her "Haji Maji". It was a joke between us that does not need revealing here. Suffice it to say, that is what encompasses so much of our relationship. Two made up words that have meant so much for so long that really no one else will ever fully understand but was such an intimate connection between her and I.

I love my Haji Maji. I know as with the birth of my children and the newness they bring, that at some time I must also face the reality of the end of life and that seems to be coming quickly. I am not ready. No one ever is really but right now, I am really not ready. I am gonna sit and be quiet.